Health test

Huh, part of the requirement for receiving a work permit in Korea is passing a health check when you arrive. It includes both a mental and physical examination. In the keeping with most government policies implemented by a government pandering to low brow press and public hysteria about paedophiles and immigration it is completely useless and an altogether mind boggling experience.

The first time I came to Korea there was no health examination, drug test or criminal back ground check required. I was recruited within ten minutes and the average salary was 2 million ding bat wons a month. No this wasn't the 1990s, it was less than 2 years ago in September 07. This time round I have the pleasure of dealing with Myung Bak and the 'Protection against illegal English teachers' brigade.

First off, it is clear that neither the recruiters, agents, Hakwons (private schools), nurses or anyone who knows how to hire a member of staff or is capable of having a conversation with someone without wondering if they are a sexual deviant, appreciate the new system. Getting the criminal record check seems to be a hassle no matter which country you managed to escape from. It took me four weeks and in total cost about £50. £50 to prove I don't punt pills to scabby lipped teenagers while touching up kids in my free time. In fact the criminal background check does the complete opposite of protecting kids. If I was and international drug dealer surely I would have no need of a 2nd job as an English teacher in the far end of Asia 5000 miles from my local clients. Seriously though, I'm sure any drug traffickers are unlikely to be traveling on an E-2 visa carrying a years worth of clothes, 3 bottles of irn bru and a wii. I'm sure there are easier and more lucrative ways to prop up the drug trade. On the paedophile note, criminal background checks don't stop paedos they just stop the bad ones. You are only on the system if you get caught!! They are just giving a false sense of security. In short, pandering to fear and anxiety is not only a headache to incoming teachers and may even dissuade many, but it seems to be a tedium to all those whose workload has now trebled due to new bureaucracy. The carpeting of guilty until proven innocent seems unproductive and costly. I'm sure a more personal and thought out approach would save time and taxpayers money.

I had my first taste of the Health analysis before I left when I was asked to fill out a self assessment form back in the UK. Apart from a denial of insanity and bed wetting I was asked to respond with yes or no to this curious question; 'Are OR were you HIV (AIDS) positive?' Now is it just me or is this slightly confusing? Can you be HIV/AIDS positive then change to negative? Along with the tiger testicles,turtle penis and over reliance on ginsing has Sino-Korean traditional medicine found a cure for AIDS? If I answer no does that mean it's ok to be HIV negative!

I crossed my fingers, checked my underwear for any signs of leakage and click no to all of the above. Surely this was a slightly dodgy form posted out to the Embassies and this would suffice as proof of my mental stability. Not so!

After a few days in Korea my new director MJ (now, I know what your thinking. Michael Jackson was never convicted so his criminal background check would be clear, but alas it is not the real MJ. I'll tell you more about my director next time) decided it was time to get registered at the immigration office. This consisted of about 5 forms, each of which were written in Korean which, i was told to sign. To be fair the officer, a young women named Mi young which my Korean tells me means beautiful flower in Chinese, was friendly and extremely tolerant of my 100 questions a minute director. Lo and behold I need a physical before i can be approved, so off to the Hospital.

Arriving at the red cross hospital i peered across the street to the shiny pristine private Daegu hospital 'Patimna' before scuttling into the roll in walk out 1960s general public patch-me-up-please hospital. However it was clean, smelled hygienic and regardless of peeling walls 40 inch plasma screens decorated the entire building. In respect for the environment ensured that every one of them was switched to the off position. I Was handed another 4 forms and asked/told to fill them out and stick passport sized photo on each of them. 'Well what's this?' I thought as I looked down, 'it's old are/were you an aids victim questionnaire'. I though they must be cranking down on all these unfortunate souls who have yet to switch from the positive to neutral or negative HIV. Oh wait it's the same form but in a different order. Well my bladder is kind of full but I think I will make it to the bathroom before bedtime so no to all the above. Well that was easy but it didn't prepare me for the next one. Bare in mind this is a self psycho analysis and not completed by a doctor or even in front of one. Affix photograph. Excellent, ok 'Do you enjoy sexual relationships?' Answer 1 for always 2 for often 3 for sometimes and 4 for never. Ok....What do you write? Personally what do you go for? 'A slip up here' i thought 'could cost me my visa'. I don't want t seem like a maniac so never/always can't be the right answer. Honestly i would probably should just right always. Don't want them thinking I don't enjoy sex, that would be a bit weird. But then 2,3 and 4 kinda suggest you not enjoying it is completely normal. OK I'll go with 1- Always. Then it dawned. Do they mean 'Are you sexually active' but are trying to be polite. Have they just asked a foreigner , who they often see as simply over in Korea because they want numourous Asian girlfriends, 'Are you sexual active?' and I have answered 'always!!!!'. I was about to go for the 'often' when my director came up, took the pen out my hand and said it's ok I will fill in a Korean translation 'It will be quicker'. Great , f**king great I have my director filling out my psycho analysis form.
He looks at me and says 'Oh, do you enjoy sexual relations?' .....I stared at him, thought and decided to smile and just say yes and then he can tick whatever box he f***ing wants.
'No, never?' he assumed.
'No, yes' I muttered. Well that just muddled thing right up.
'Yes, No?' he asked.
Ok I thought....'sometimes'.
'With who?'
Cringe! But before I could answer he moved onto the next question, all with the grade scale 1 to 4.
'If you dies would people be happy?'
Seriously what kind of question is that. '4' I assume never means no.

The remaining questions each receiving an awkward inner translation on my part before answering ( if i got a chance to answer that is) consisted of 'Do you ever cry?' 'Is your mined happy every morning?', 'Do you ever tired?'

Surely they could of asked anyone with a degree in English or foreign embassy staff or a American Reader over to give the new health form which will be filled out by all migrant workers a once over?

The other forms were all in Korean and I have no idea what they asked. I continued to get poke prodded, measured, weighed, scanned and processed for the next 2 hours. As i mentioned before. The sheer demoralised look on the face of the nurses and doctor was clearly evident. It took 3 departments to handle everything and i was shuffled through about 5 tests in each. I have seen quicker lynchings but not many. The hearing test was the funniest. Click the button when you hear a noise. The head phones were broken so I had to switch them round to test each ear. Ok, lets go. She is standing right in front of me, the machine is right in front of me. The machine is in English. The switch that says 'on' is closer to me than it is to her. She leans over 'wack' she flips it. Beeeppppppp!!!!. I click. Wack! she turns it off. Ok, she turns the Db down, leans over , wack, beeep, click, wack. I can see her turning on the sound, I could even shut my eyes and here the switch flipping and know it was my cue to press the button. She must either think that every foreigner has the ears of a hawk (do hawks have good hearing?) or she doesn't give a toss. I could have sat there all day.

Well the last thing was the HIV and urine test. In case I lied before. Well the test results did come back the next day. I can confirm i don't have aids and I'm clean :).

9 forms and counting.

Hope you enjoyed!

*NB I have heard rumours about people worried about the drug test. Mine came back with a clear for Amphetamines, Cannabises, Heroin and Cocaine. Whether they actually tested for all I don't know but I'm sure they would if they had the capabilities. If anyone is worried about the drug test then either A Think about if Korea is really for you, drugs are pretty scarce, probably over priced and the punishment pretty severe. B have a long detox before you come.

A Quote

I don't know the tradition for starting a blog but nothing beats a good quote. This, a personal favourite, is quite appropriate for this time;

"Power always sincerely, conscientiously, de tres bon foi, believes itself right. Power always thinks it has a great soul, and vast views, beyond the comprehension of the weak, and that it is doing God's service when it is violating all his laws" - John Adams

Blog?? What kind of an arsehole blogs?

A little note on blogging.

I have avoided the whole blogging phenomenon up until now. My typical reaction would consist of a self righteous smirk at all those people hurling unprocessed brain mush into a text box, grasping for some kind of recognition in a vein hope that they will tot up a few more hits and miraculously be writing for the Evening Standard by the end of the week. Blogs? Who would want to sit and write about what's happening in their street or rant about environmentalism in what is basically the most anonymous and overcrowded stage the world has ever seen. It's basically a stadium filled to capacity with every single person shouting their loudest to be heard, along with a ferocious wind of adverts, pop-ups, spelling errors, and informative messages such as 'congratulations your our 1 millionth visitor', 'get f*****/meet girls tonight in Clydebank' and 'Cure your baldness now!'. Furthermore who would want to read what someone from the back end of nowhere has to say about the latest episode of Eastenders never mind the Obama Presidency?

I have overcome most of this cynicism. I'm taking the first (possibly only) attempt to start a blog. I have seen many well meaning and heroic blogs by young people protesting about their unfortunate positions. From Egypt to Burma. Not that my blog will ever include such horrific insights or defiance but it at least shows that blogs can be useful and informative.

I also noticed that bloggers tend to move in circles. It's probably quite easy to access like minded people and allow an open space to note, debate and read about new ideas.

More personally, I think a blog is a better method for keeping in touch and letting people know what I'm up too. It will stop me flooding inbox after inbox across Scotland with my 'Daegu Digest' and instead, if people are interested at all, they can just look up my new blog.

So here we go, I still retain a little bit of apprehension so any comments or replies will be appreciated. Happy reading and wish me luck.